2015 Horoscopes


A stranger will run past you on a dark street carrying a cake but you will soon forget him.
This is a big year for you, full of revelations, the biggest of which being the realisation that you don’t hate all mushrooms, only a few.
The left side wing mirror of your car will be snapped off by a generically distraught man called Matthew. You don’t know him but then it’s often said amongst his friends that nobody really does.
Distracted by a forthcoming job re-evaluation, you will forget to aim properly while urinating and soak an expensive overnight bag belonging to your cousin.*
This will be the year you finally get into the second side of Santana’s Abraxas album.
In July a man will dial the landline of your house in error, hoping to book a haircut at a salon six miles away. Without thinking about it, you will take down his name and offer him an appointment for 10.20 the following day.
On a Tuesday you will go to deliver some unwanted surplus crayons to a friend. As they head off to the kitchen make an appalling cup of tea you will stare at their house rabbit and feel strangely desolate.
As the year progresses, you become a lot more confident and assertive when shutting farmyard gates.
You will take a train journey in March and spend most of it thinking about the way a girl whose name you can’t remember hugged you outside a pub in Arundel in 2003 and wondering if it meant anything.
Nothing happens to you this year.
Fuck off.
Flicking through a book you bought secondhand from Marie Curie Cancer Care, you will find a postcard from 1989 from a man called James to a woman called Holly. It will offer absolutely no insight to James or Holly’s life or the year 1989.
*All horoscopes are unisex.

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